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Rising like a Phoenix from the Fire

For months (even years), I’ve been trying to cope with the events that have been haunting me for much longer than what’s necessary.  It all starts out with my parents’ refusal to let me have any sense of individuality and ends up with a strange mess of things I call my life.


So years ago, I was struggling with many things, most of all, the fact that I could be gay (and hadn’t fully accepted it partly since my family all turned against me) and the other, how eroded my faith had become.  I went to a private Baptist middle school for three years before transitioning on to a public high school.  Let me tell you, that was a culture shock!  But let me not, since it’s out of my train of thought for now.  But anyway, I was gay, I couldn’t accept it, and therefore, could never be proud of it because my parents tried to hide it in every manner possible.  Sad thing was, it’s my inevitable outcome, I’d have to live my life as a gay man, and with my mindset, a disgrace.  And to this day, the rest of my family and friends have barely a clue about it, call me a good actor or just not that gay (I don’t actually fit the stereotype at all so I’d think about it).


But add on to the repression I got at home being gay, there’s an economic disaster that brewed before my freshmen year of high school, that’s the reason why my parents could no longer afford to pay for a private education for me (it ultimately would be a good thing though – I finally adopted a real sense of ideals that weren’t misguided).  Unfortunately, this also meant that I couldn’t enjoy a normal life and my brother, at one time, even blamed our family business’ collapse on account that I’m gay!  Financial stipulations also resulted in a lack of educational resources for me.   I remember my freshmen year, I couldn’t do my homework for a Pre-AP Geometry class (yeah, I always foolishly challenged myself mentally since like forever) because I didn’t have the right calculator.  I tell my parents I needed to buy one, but my dad had other things in mind for the $120 that I needed to get that thing.  Fortunately, my mom put things into perspective and he let me get that calculator.  To this day, I still have that thing, a reminder of the days when I used to enjoy math and the fact that my parents ultimately care about my well-being (also, the last time I used it was around 4 months ago for my Stats final that I bombed -_-).


Still, the effects of the recession has done MUCH more than just make it hard for me to focus on my education, its consequences on my family meant that I couldn’t go to college.  You see, this financial collapse meant that my parents lost our family business, so we had no income and had accrued a load of debt on top of that.  They eventually had to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy, so our debt was forgiven to a degree, but now their credit was negatively affected.  What does that have to do with my college admissions?  It means that because I had no credit on my own (when a family’s broke and I’m not allowed to drive because I have no car or license because we couldn’t afford to get one there’s not much I could do about a job – did I forget to mention I have a weird problem that makes me unable to ride a bike) and my parents had bad credit, when I was looking for a loan, I had no co-signer and therefore, no money for college and so I had no chance to go to college.  


Now I’m 19 years old, no job, no car, pretty much no life, and if you look at it a certain way, I have no hope.  But if you look at it another way, I haven’t told you everything about me.  Despite all of my issues, I ended up having great talent in the arts, I excel in the social sciences, I unfortunately have a big ass heart of gold, and I have enough interest to place myself in the fields of politics and finance, as well as the compassion and drive for activism.  So yes, I guess you can say I’m blessed despite my circumstances, but have I risen from disaster?  Not even close.  On the brighter side of things: I have gotten my certificate to learn how to drive (I kind of have a fear of driving), my dad knows a lot about financial crap (though not necessarily common sense with it) so he’ll be helping me out when it comes to building my credit, and oh yeah, a family friend says that he can get me a full-tuition scholarship at a top-ranked university since he knows the Dean or something.  


Maybe my life is becoming a little brighter but I still have a few hindrances left (of course).  I’ve recently found out that I have many of the symptoms of dyspraxia, as well as ADHD and some other cognitive disorders, and so I’m going to get myself checked about that while I also get my acne medicine this next visit (I forgot to mention horrible acne was the main reason why I couldn’t be comfortable with myself).  But whatever happens with me, I can now be comfortable with the fact that I am an individual, despite how my parents try to limit me, I’m still my own person and thus, cannot be limited except with spending money (I don’t necessarily admire the “finer things” in life).  So will I rise?  Hell yeah!  😉

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My Personal Rebirth

After much thought, I decided to use this site again since I already had my established username as a part of it.

Back when I first created this site, I was a feeble-minded 13 year-old who only cared about Pokemon who slowly gained the voice of a conservative bigot as influenced by his parents.  Now I’m a 19 year-old who cares about others, takes on a liberal philosophy, but still has the heart of that kid, just a more refined one.  So as you can imagine, I went through a total transformation from those days.

Throughout my childhood and just until recently, I always had the desire to belong and always compromised myself in order to attempt to “fit in”.  My policy was this: try something new so that you can become popular and if that doesn’t work, try something else.  I had the right idea, but the wrong ulterior motives.  For so long, my focus was so concentrated in other people liking me that I never tried to see who I really was other than the kid who tried to please everybody.  I could always be described as being “nice” and indeed it is in my nature to be that word, but why?  And with that thought questioned, why am I like this in the first place?


Recently, I’ve realized the answer to my own pressing questions.  Thing is, the reason why I chose to be someone else’s embodiment of the “perfect student” and failed, the “perfect Christian” and fell out, and the “perfect son” but turned out as expected through an unwanted manner is all because I never learned to think for my own self, I always neglected myself, from my health to my needs, it seems like to me, I am the most insignificant person on earth.  What never helped is that I could never make many good friends and so it’s not like my self-esteem would’ve been off the charts.  Knowing that barely anyone could’ve cared about me and my needs or desires, I would only want someone’s attention and made decisions based on what I sensed other people wanted of me instead of who I already perfectly was, myself!


But no more!  I realized just recently that I was perfect the way I am.  Despite the fact that I’m gay, I’m still a human being with talents, dreams, and family, and I am not hesitant to put people out of my life who will only put me down!  Despite the fact that I’m Asian I’m not taking the conventional scientific path that many of us were blessed to have the minds to comprehend, though I was given a beautiful mind that works easily with creative and philosophical subjects and media.  Despite the fact that I have dyspraxia, that didn’t stop me from making the grade or graduating with honors, I mean, I only found out and realized that I had this developmental abnormality near my 19th birthday!  Despite the fact that I am who I am, I will become the person I want to be and know that I can reach those goals!


So this blog, what does this blog have to do with my “impending success”?  Well, this is where I’ll be chronicling my personal life, from trials and tribulations to happiness and success, anyone who’s willing is invited to view how things go with me.  Thanks for reading but keep on reading!

Be yourself and stay great!

– Chris  ^_^